In about one and a half month from now, I'll be sitting for this...

CLP

Wish me luck!

In the stubborn passing of time...

Time will pass stubbornly and bring you closer and closer to the moment that you have set yourself in. With each passing second, the realization of the kind of shit you're putting yourself in slowly sinks in. You're the one who set it in motion and there's no turning back. Quickly you think of what to say, you think about the events today and how you can thread it together under one common theme. You keep your head high and push away the dread of screwing things up. And far sooner than you'd like it, they call out your name.

One step at a time, first, you move your feet forward as quickly as possible (fortunately it gives the illusion of a determined and purposeful walk to others watching you). Once you've stepped onto the stage, you find yourself in a bright spot, beyond which the audience appear only as blurry dark shapes. This is it, this is the moment where you can transform someone's night into an unforgettable one, and it's all up to you. She has shown much unconditional love that you've never had before. For the first time in your whole life, there's someone who truly appreciate what you stand for. Who loves you till it aches everyday. Who would not wish you to be any different. There's no other way to describe her except that she is just so beautiful in every aspect.

Right then and there, you forget about screwing it up or the embarrassment of no one listening, because you couldn't be bothered anymore. With each word you speak, you see her eyes lighting up, brighter and brighter with each passing word. Finally, you take her own magic words, and use them to transform the night for her.

You seize the moment, and make it last a thousand years for her.

Chasing cars

My Love,

Let's waste time and chase cars together. 

We don't need someone to make us happy

There is a prevailing delusion that we need to stay put with someone in order to be happy, but we all know too well that we are always in the state of flux. Our life here is a series of independent and separate moments of existence, it would be a mistake to think that it is a continuous novel with an ultimate beginning and an ultimate end.

Everything begins and ends now and here!

Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata

Conscience can just be as bad as lust

(Note: When I refer to 'conscience' here, I am referring to an impulse that pulls and sways our actions and influence our beliefs, something that we cannot really defend using rational arguments. It is different from conscience in the sense of having arrived at a decision through deliberation and rational thinking)

A friend who wished to remain anonymous texted me this message, "A conscience does not prevent sin... It only prevents us from enjoying one... Heard this on Radio 4... Hmm..."

My answer to this is this - In our mind there's you, the self, which makes subjective experience possible. Subjective here does not mean having an experience influenced by your own knowledge and belief. No, subjective here simply means being able to say that you see something, you are reading this, you are thinking. If the subject i.e. you doesn't exist, then you can't have a subjective experience like you feel something, you see something, you think... in other words, Sum ergo cogito.

Other than the data from the senses that the subconscious has filtered and interpreted for you, the subconcious also throws at you what we would call impulses, and one of these impulses is what we can call conscience. What this impulse does is that it MAKES us THINK a particular act is desirable or not desirable, and sometimes it is deeper in that it can associate an act as contrary to who we are or is deeply embedded in our identity, although this is not true, the self is a clean slate, there is nothing outside of it that can be associated with it or be embedded in it. So this is how conscience operates, when you do something that is against your conscience, at a milder level, you are made to think that the act you're doing is not desirable.

Lust, similarly, has the same effect in our mind. Say you are doing the 'right' thing like restraining from premarital sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend, your subconsicous mind will tell you that this is not desirable, you know you want it. Sometimes it can also work at a deeper level, it can associate a desire with the essence of your being or identity. Think Hugh Hefner, think Anthony Weiner. Not expressing this part of you makes you feel like you're restraining a part of yourself.

But these two are essentially impulses and with some imagination we can see how conscience can be as detrimental as lust. Recall how some people restrain themselves too much under the anvil of conscience, the kind of self-denial that sprang from such restraint. Why we call one impulse conscience and the other lust, is the result of our own labelling. That labelling comes from our own upbringing and the societal pressure that acts upon us. So though they are opposite forces in our mind, they are essentially similar. They are labelled differently as a result of cultural conditioning.

I think the ideal way is to be the master of these impulses, not in the sense of suppressing them, but in the sense of acknowledging their existence and deal with them with the objective of coexistence.

A fire just started

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out of the dark.

I have not felt this for a long time,

But seeing you, talking with you, makes me wish that you're mine.

The void in the four hardened chambers of my heart,

Had never seen such light, such ease for its own part.

It was always there beating tirelessly, on and on,

Except its own, it had no other strength to rely on.

But ever since I saw you, I found a new source of strength,

Which, without a doubt, I could feel its potential to extend my soul to greater length.

So I can't help to wonder, if you are willing to take that leap of faith,

To see how great we could be together, taking on this life's fate.